Putting the "thing" back into Penny-farthing

Oh, the gods. It's very possible that there will be two additional working bikes at our house by tomorrow! That's correct. At least one more scrawny loon pedaling for his life amongst two-ton hulks careening hither and thither across an unforgiving Portland landscape. Well, unforgiving may be a strong word. It may be much too strong a word, in fact. How about "extremely mild"? *Ahem* moving on... Nothing but my whipcord reflexes and a few of the old rejuvenating to keep healthy and out from under the bottom of a fellow human being's whip. I should think that an ambulance and a team of lawyers will follow in my wake as young ladies and gentlemen who witness my breathtaking and unparalleled grace on a bicycle subsequently faint in disbelief. Despite the rapidly accumulating lawsuits, I will pedal like a bat out of hell (try to get through this sentence without thinking about Meat Loaf's 1977 chart-topping album) toward a sort of near-freedom from public transit. Take heed, you son of a griffin who tries to slow or stop my rise to the top; I will resort to fisticuffs, and lest you fancy seeing your family crest put to shame, you'd better kindly step aside.

I apologize for the small post, but I have an interesting project in the works (and by "in the works" I mean to say that I just thought of it while writing this). It will take more time and effort than usual but I promise that it will be worth it. It will, in fact, be a totally predictable cross between gonzo and investigative journalism. Handcuffs and a garage door both play prominently yet un-sexually into the story, just to give you a little taste...

Check yourself,
Craig.

P.S. In the spirit of telling you about my near-mistakes, when writing about my (untrue) cycling prowess, I almost wrote "lock up your daughters" which immediately made me cringe. Eww, something that could make the writer himself shudder so immediately and violently should not be put to page. Add the phrase "lock up your daughters" to the list of things you should NEVER SAY TO ANYONE.