A Stormgren "Craig seeking Women" Ad

Attn: Ridiculously awesome, sexy, witty gentleman that compulsively lies and is cooler than you and awesome and wouldn't lie about this (but is) seeking ridiculously almost-as-good young lady to accompany him to restaurants and to the hospital occasionally.

Me:
Generous- I would without hesitation give you the last Werther's Original.
Clever- I once tricked my mother into thinking that I was talented and ambitious and wasn't, in fact, drunk. I also once tricked a baby into looking in a certain direction, simply by snapping my fingers. I proceeded to laugh in its stupid face.
Handsome- A heavy coat of grease covers my face, giving the illusion of moisture. Impressive, if not viewed too closely.
Funny- I've never heard of someone being laughed into orgasm, but I'd damn sure try.
Rich- You will be handsomely rewarded with ice cream and money.

You:
Smart- I'm terrible at math and just would rather you do it for me.
Spontaneous- I want a young woman with spontaneity. Someone with the sudden urge for making out or even sex while waiting for a sandwich in a long deli line. I may not even feel like getting the sandwich. Maybe some soup to go or something... Oh ooooh, I totally love when soup comes with bread or those little crackers that you can break up and put in the bowl to give it a little more consistency and/or subtle flavor enhancement. That could definitely be a factor in my decision to get the food before or after the make-out-session/sex.
Adventurous- Maybe you want to rob a bank or hamstring a member of the local constablery. It's a good idea. We should totally do it. Or we could make out on top of a shark.
Pretty- Maybe.

Email me for digits. No one-night stands or framing me for murder.

Pics available upon request. Shipped in waterproof bubble mailer with copy of personalized mixtape. Track listing on mixtape comprised completely of My Bloody Valentine and Toni Braxton (debut album). Please send 2 USD for shipping and handling.

Hope to hear from your soothing baritone soon!

Note from the blogger: Though this personal ad is silly, I would like to relate something that really happened not too long ago. I actually once looked for DND players to partner up with in the "casual encounters" section of the Craigslist personals. It was an innocent enough mistake, but seriously? Fucking WHOOPS. It took about a page and a half to realize I wasn't in the "strictly platonic" section and that not all of the DND players in the Portland area are blatantly looking for sexual relationships.

Stupidly and completely unconvincingly,
Craig